I'm not really one to look back with regrets. I prefer to live in the moment, but lately I have really been longing for some of the things that are in my past. For example, there are times that I miss what it was like for Eric and I before we had our kids. That isn't to say at all that I wish we didn't have them, of course, but if you are a mother, I predict that you know what I mean. There's that old adage that says, "You never know what you'll miss until its gone." That's how I feel about "dating" Eric. When we were dating and first married, we'd go out and do things all the time and we loved it, but then I started longing for children. It didn't take long to realize that we were missing what we used to have.
I also really miss my friends. I've shared that before in other posts, but it's so true and lately I'm just sort of longing for the friendships that I had before. All these people are still friends, but the relationship changes, as naturally it would, when we move away from each other.
Before I moved I was having lunch with my best friend Angie at least once a week. She is someone that I've shared life with for so long that missing her actually hurts a little bit. At the same time though, I never fear that our friendship will dissolve or be tainted by distance or time.
Lately, I've begun sharing life (through e-mail) with an old friend who I miss dearly. Kristen is a friend that was divinely appointed by God. We wound up as pot luck roommates our freshman year of Bible College. For both of us it was our first time away from our homes. We had crazy things in common like we showed up on move in day with the exact same bedspread (Winnie the Pooh). She and I formed a bond that was so instantaneous and such a blessing. Being that I have a rebelious streak in me, we parted as roommates after the first semester so that I could pretend to be someone that I wasn't. But God's provision for our friendship reigned victorious as it always does and to this day we are stronger in our friendship than ever.
What I love about Kristen, among other things, is that she really gets me. She understands my life at a personal level probably better than anyone else. Here's why... she too has 3 kids. They are very similar in age to mine and we share the same daily struggles and joys as a result. What a blessing. I'm certain that her days must take on a slightly different dynamic as she has all boys, but over all, I knwo that I can share something with her and before my story is over she already knows the outcome. How awesome!
What I wish was that there was some way for us to share life together in person. Would you believe that we've never even met each other's kids? I have met her oldest, Daniel, but only briefly. If there was such thing as arranged marriages and I approved of such a thing, I'd make sure that my girls ended up with her boys! Hahaha!
Friday, November 17, 2006
Wednesday, November 08, 2006
Reading Books
For as much as I love to write, wouldn't you think that I also love to read? For some reason those things should come in tandem. For me though, they don't. It's frustrating. I really wish that I loved to read or even liked it more than I do. Now, don't get me wrong, if I get a hold of the right book, I'll read it all. But the way it is for most books is that I get them and then I am hard pressed to get passed the first couple chapters. That really bugs me.
I have a list of books that I really want to read, but at this rate, I'll never get through them all in this lifetime. Hmmm, I feel a New Year's Resolution coming on... read more books. In the sidebar I'll make a list of the books that I both recommend (having actually read them) and a list of books that are on my list to either finish or start (and then finish).
I have a list of books that I really want to read, but at this rate, I'll never get through them all in this lifetime. Hmmm, I feel a New Year's Resolution coming on... read more books. In the sidebar I'll make a list of the books that I both recommend (having actually read them) and a list of books that are on my list to either finish or start (and then finish).
Pastor Under Siege
How sad it is to read and learn about the immorality that Pastor Haggard has confessed to. Of course the first reaction that I had was one of shock and anger at him for engaging in such horrible things. But almost instantly, the Holy Spirit moves in my soul to transform my anger from being directed at this man and redirecting it toward Satan.
Satan is by far the father of lies and deception. I don't know Pastor Haggard but based on the reputation of his church I am certain that he has touched many lives for the sake of the Kingdom and I am certain too that he has been fed many lies from the evil one. Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving him a pass for the wrong, immoral decisions that he made on account of Satan, I am just suggesting that someone who has the potential of influencing so many lives for the good of God's Kingdom is a real threat to Satan and he will go to great lengths to cause him to fall.
In his statement to his church Pastor Haggard says that the poor decisions he made were a direct result of a life long struggle that he has had. He isn't specific about what the struggle has been, but I would just venture to guess that it all began as a young man struggling with pornography. Perhaps no one was available and bold enough to teach him about the life long ramifications of such actions. What starts out seeming like a harmless, one time thing that feels good for a moment can easily turn into a life long addiction. And for Christ followers it's an addiction that is a battle every day of their lives.
I believe that the problem is that the church is only beginning to scratch the surface of addressing this issue that is as real as anything else. Sure, it's a tough one to tackle, but leaving it unaddressed and un dealt with will surely lead to more and more scandals just like this one. Men of God are being attacked! The very nature of who God created them to be is being attacked by the enemy. Men are sexual beings and in its purest form this is a beautiful thing, but the world (Satan) has tainted its purity so completely that its difficult to even see its beauty. Again, I will say that though I don't know the details surrounding the fall of Pastor Haggard, I am convinced that the world's view of sex and sexuality had some part in it. And further I am convinced that the drug use that he admits to was a means by which to temporarily and falsely clear his conscience.
At this moment I have such compassion for this man. I am appalled at his actions and his confessions and quite frankly, I am disgusted by them. But I am furiously angry at Satan because I know that it is he who at some point fed Pastor Haggard enough lies and deceived him to the point of failure. My hope for this man of God is that he will recall what Jesus did for him, for us all. I also hope that the Holy Spirit would move those around him to love him with Christ's love and despise the sin but love the sinner.
Satan is by far the father of lies and deception. I don't know Pastor Haggard but based on the reputation of his church I am certain that he has touched many lives for the sake of the Kingdom and I am certain too that he has been fed many lies from the evil one. Don't get me wrong, I'm not giving him a pass for the wrong, immoral decisions that he made on account of Satan, I am just suggesting that someone who has the potential of influencing so many lives for the good of God's Kingdom is a real threat to Satan and he will go to great lengths to cause him to fall.
In his statement to his church Pastor Haggard says that the poor decisions he made were a direct result of a life long struggle that he has had. He isn't specific about what the struggle has been, but I would just venture to guess that it all began as a young man struggling with pornography. Perhaps no one was available and bold enough to teach him about the life long ramifications of such actions. What starts out seeming like a harmless, one time thing that feels good for a moment can easily turn into a life long addiction. And for Christ followers it's an addiction that is a battle every day of their lives.
I believe that the problem is that the church is only beginning to scratch the surface of addressing this issue that is as real as anything else. Sure, it's a tough one to tackle, but leaving it unaddressed and un dealt with will surely lead to more and more scandals just like this one. Men of God are being attacked! The very nature of who God created them to be is being attacked by the enemy. Men are sexual beings and in its purest form this is a beautiful thing, but the world (Satan) has tainted its purity so completely that its difficult to even see its beauty. Again, I will say that though I don't know the details surrounding the fall of Pastor Haggard, I am convinced that the world's view of sex and sexuality had some part in it. And further I am convinced that the drug use that he admits to was a means by which to temporarily and falsely clear his conscience.
At this moment I have such compassion for this man. I am appalled at his actions and his confessions and quite frankly, I am disgusted by them. But I am furiously angry at Satan because I know that it is he who at some point fed Pastor Haggard enough lies and deceived him to the point of failure. My hope for this man of God is that he will recall what Jesus did for him, for us all. I also hope that the Holy Spirit would move those around him to love him with Christ's love and despise the sin but love the sinner.
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
Encouraging Women
Today was another Beth Moore day at church. I always come away from there feeling so refreshed. I woke up feeling pretty miserable with a cold that has been looming for a couple days. I thought about skippin the session, but knew I'd be so happy if I went. It was another great message, but the thing I felt most encouraged about was the kind words from a couple of the women in my breakout group.
Of course as you know if you read at all regularly, I put myself out there. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, not just in my writing but also in real life. I was so encouraged that one of my sisters (in Christ, as I have no blood relative sisters)had asked me for my blog address. I was happy to share it. Her words today were so encouraging to my heart. I am blessed that people read what I write, but also very humbled. The blessing came because she was able to relate to my words. When ever I dream of writing I always think, "I would only want to write if I were certain that others could relate." I loved what Beth Moore said in todays message. She talked about how vital it is to let God's Word and words change you. Don't just listen and do nothing. Let them penetrate your soul. She said, if writing these studies and doing these talks does nothing to change us, then what's the point?
That's how I feel when I think about writing. Only if there is a greater good to be gained... not for me, for the Kingdom.
So, my friends this morning encouraged me in this way, that perhaps I could touch a life with my words.
Of course as you know if you read at all regularly, I put myself out there. I wear my emotions on my sleeve, not just in my writing but also in real life. I was so encouraged that one of my sisters (in Christ, as I have no blood relative sisters)had asked me for my blog address. I was happy to share it. Her words today were so encouraging to my heart. I am blessed that people read what I write, but also very humbled. The blessing came because she was able to relate to my words. When ever I dream of writing I always think, "I would only want to write if I were certain that others could relate." I loved what Beth Moore said in todays message. She talked about how vital it is to let God's Word and words change you. Don't just listen and do nothing. Let them penetrate your soul. She said, if writing these studies and doing these talks does nothing to change us, then what's the point?
That's how I feel when I think about writing. Only if there is a greater good to be gained... not for me, for the Kingdom.
So, my friends this morning encouraged me in this way, that perhaps I could touch a life with my words.
My Dream House
Okay, I know I've said it before, but let me just say again for the record how expensive it is to live here. It's disheartening, I'll be honest. And though I've maybe never said so in these words, we've grown out of our current home. I'm not saying I hate our house, but we've grown out of it. There are some things I like about having a small space. Like, for example, it's relatively easy to clean. I can pass the vacuum through our entire downstairs in less than 10 minutes. Probably closer to 5 minutes to be honest. And that includes the linoleum in kitchen. If you knew every thought that I had about material things, I have no doubt that you would think that I am purely materialistic, but the reality is that I think more than I feel. In other words I have a lot of thoughts that even I know are unrealistic and at times a little sinful. So, when it comes right down to it, there are some things that I really desire to have in a house and home, and still some that are and will in all likelihood remain tiny figments of my imagination. Here are some of the realistic things:
- A house that isn't attached to 6 other ones and is a few more than 10 steps away from my neighbor, even 20 steps would be good.
- A yard that isn't concrete paver stones where I can trust my kids to be without worrying that they'll bother someone else's property.
- 4 bedrooms so that either each kid can have a room of their own, or we can have a guest room
- A basement that we can use as multipurpose
- At least one extra room downstairs so that we aren't constantly on top of each other every waking moment.
So, those are some of my things that I really don't think is asking too much. Some other things are desirable but not all together necessary. Things like a front porch, 3 car garage, back deck. Even though they aren't all together necessary, I still don't think they're over the top extravagant.
I found a house that I must say comes the closest to being the house of my dreams. I'm really not looking for something of mansion proportions. Cause if I had that, I am certain that I couldn't afford someone to clean it which means I'd have to clean it. This house that I found is truly just a hop, skip and a jump from where we live now. But it's got everything I want only the price is more than double what we can truly afford here. What I plan to do is hang on to the listing and hope and pray that one day God will choose to bestow this type of blessing on us.
Please, don't get me wrong, I don't think that God isn't blessing us here. Oh, he is. I have seen the hand of God at work in so many ways. This is just one other thing that I will add to my list of desires and go to God with. He says you have not cause you ask not. Don't worry, I know the context is a little skewed. I'm joking a little bit, but not in praying about it.
Monday, November 06, 2006
Melancholy
Well, this is interesting. I actually just looked up the word melancholy in the dictionary and the first definition has nothing to do with a state of mind, but the second says, "depression of spirits." I always thought that melancholy just meant that you were not excited or depressed, just somewhere in the middle. So that's why I titled my post Melancholy. If you refer to melancholy as depressed, then that's not what I meant.
I don't really feel depressed. I feel extremely thoughtful lately though. So much is going on internally for me that it's got me wound up so tight. Oddly, I have a real sense of peace though. I know that my peace is coming from God alone. He promises me that he will be the peace that passes all understanding. We are in a place that we never imagined that we'd be 2 years after moving away from our home. I have to confess that as hard as I try, I can't make this place feel 100% like home. I've always felt that way. That's really all I can say about the current state of things.
I don't really feel depressed. I feel extremely thoughtful lately though. So much is going on internally for me that it's got me wound up so tight. Oddly, I have a real sense of peace though. I know that my peace is coming from God alone. He promises me that he will be the peace that passes all understanding. We are in a place that we never imagined that we'd be 2 years after moving away from our home. I have to confess that as hard as I try, I can't make this place feel 100% like home. I've always felt that way. That's really all I can say about the current state of things.
Post Weekend
I worked all weekend and it always feels good. It feels good to have worked and challenged my brain, my skills and served people (while making a few dollars). But, I'm always better at home when I've work a little outside of my home. I know not everyone is like me, but after I work, my attitude is better when I return home. And since I don't work full time I don't feel like I'm burning out at work. Most of the nurses I work with are bitter about being there and frankly hate coming to work. I can remember feeling this way when I worked full time...all the time! As nurses, working full time means you work way more than "full time." This leads to burn out! It just does! So, I am grateful that I only work a couple days a week, cause when those days come, I'm eager to work and when the weekend is over, I'm eager for a new week to start at home! It's the best of both worlds for me... most of the time!
As long as I work in a hospital I will be required to fulfill my holiday duty. No one wants to work on a holiday, but the way that look at it that always seems to help is that the people I'm taking care of want to be in the hospital a whole lot less than I want to be there working. If I can make their stay in the hospital over a holiday even the least bit more joyful, then I feel better about being there.
I took care of a woman whose family was in from out of state for only a few days at the exact time that she got sick unexpectedly and had to be hospitalized. I know if that were me, I would be so sad. So, I did my best to encourage her and empathize with her. Of course taking care of people's physical needs is imperative while they are in the hospital, but I really believe that taking care of people mentally and emotionally is just as important, if not more so. If you've ever had a grouchy nurse, then you know what I mean.
So, it feels good to start a new week after working all weekend. My kids definitely drive me less crazy when I've had some time away from them. (not being mean, just being honest)!!!
As long as I work in a hospital I will be required to fulfill my holiday duty. No one wants to work on a holiday, but the way that look at it that always seems to help is that the people I'm taking care of want to be in the hospital a whole lot less than I want to be there working. If I can make their stay in the hospital over a holiday even the least bit more joyful, then I feel better about being there.
I took care of a woman whose family was in from out of state for only a few days at the exact time that she got sick unexpectedly and had to be hospitalized. I know if that were me, I would be so sad. So, I did my best to encourage her and empathize with her. Of course taking care of people's physical needs is imperative while they are in the hospital, but I really believe that taking care of people mentally and emotionally is just as important, if not more so. If you've ever had a grouchy nurse, then you know what I mean.
So, it feels good to start a new week after working all weekend. My kids definitely drive me less crazy when I've had some time away from them. (not being mean, just being honest)!!!
Thursday, November 02, 2006
Rewind
Okay, so it's been a little while since I've posted a blog on here. To those of you who are my faithful blog checkers, I love you and appreciate you. I recognize that by not posting more regularly, I run the risk of losing your loyalty. Keep checking!
I confess that lately I've been cheating my Threeunder3 blog with another blog that I started to journal my feelings and emotions about a particular issue that is going on right now. If only you knew how many words I've hammered out on my pseudo blog. I've found it quite therapeutic to keep a pseudo blog. What i mean by that is just that I'm not publishing my posts, but rather keeping them saved as drafts. I just don't feel its the right time to be laying myself out there that raw for all to see. Perhaps, another time, just not now.
So, while I've been gone, Halloween came and went. A hallmark holiday for sure! Halloween is fun though. We have wrestled with whether or not it is appropriate to "celebrate" Halloween as Christians being that it is most notebly associated with witches, ghosts and a lot of evil stuff. But the reality is that it is just like any other day, but this one can be set aside for a little make believe. We just feel it's important to emphasize the make believe aspect of it for our children and NOT get all caught up in the scary, frightful parts of it. Our kids will surely get enough of that as they grow up. Just like any other "holiday" this one gets commercialized to the hilt!
This year Andrew was Sully from Monster's Inc. (the Disney movie) and Anna was a cute gray elephant... quite fitting for the upcoming election as one of the houses that we patroned for candy pointed out. Had we thought of it before, we would have made a sign to hang around her neck that said, "Vote Republican." We thought too late. Alissa was just a cute baby in a jump suit that said, "I take after my mummy!" She was very cute.
The trick or treat experience was our first ever with the kids. We invited our baby sitter, Jenny over to come with us. We dragged the kids around in the wagon and let them knock on people's doors to get candy. Of course as predicted, all they wanted was to eat the candy as soon as it was received. Well, anyway, it turned out to be a fun time. We hit about 10 houses and got more candy than we need that's for sure!
Laying down the rules for candy eating is nearly impossible. It's more like telling a joke. For some of the candy, we are experimenting for the first time. For example, a blowpop... Andrew just finished his first one ever, but he's not quite sure what to do with the gum in the middle and I'm pretty sure that he swallowed some of it. Same with a tootsie roll pop, only this time eating the center is the right idea. I never considered how confusing candy could be.
So, that's the latest. Well, a little of the latest anyway.
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