We're going on nearly 4 months now of not having a church that we can call our home. Not only that, we have just been so far below par spiritually that I am feeling a void like I've never felt before. It almost feels insurmountable. How will this void ever be filled. I am so empty that even the slightest bit of the Spirit moves me. I mean really rocks me. For example, last night we bought our new cell phones and here I am today listening to ringtones--a Jeremy Camp song and a Michael W Smith song just made me feel like getting on my knees. So, perhaps this reaction indicates that my heart is ripe. Ready for the harvest if you will. Please, Lord, harvest me! I am just desperate for some spiritual food. I just want to plop down and roll around in the Word. That's my visual for having a nice, long, deep date with the Lord. But, what I know is that the same thing that is happening to me right now will happen to me as soon as I embark on that activity... my children will choose to stand at my side and whine or demand my attention in some other way. As I type, my blessed Anna is standing here crying, "Mommy hold you." Which means, "Mommy hold me."
For as much as this scenario is reality for me each and every day, I can't use that as my excuse for letting my relationship with God the Father fall by the wayside. The problem is that I have no accountability with anyone right now, spiritual or otherwise really. Not even Eric and I are truly holding one another accountable. It seems logical that when all else fails, we should at least have each other for spiritual accountability. But we don't!
It never ceases to amaze me how one event or situation is actually so telling about deeper goings on. Here's ours... for what seems like a couple years now, there has rare been a night that we haven't gone to bed without a couple episodes of Friends on. It's totally my thing. It's very mindless to me and at the end of the day, if there is nothing to distract me from myself, I can lay awake for hours thinking about all the things from the day and all the things to come. The more I think, the more awake I become. So, on the surface, having my shows on is mearly a way to distract my brain. And it works. Every night, I fall asleep before the first episode is over.
There's more to it below the surface though. Eric brought to my attention the possibility that this ritual is covering up some important relationship stuff between us. Should we be spending that time discussing the day or talking about important things? I'm not talking about sex!
So, I woke up this morning feeling oh so tender from the event last night. I really was wondering, "what is this really about?" And one thought led to another and before I realized, the Spirit had convicted my heart which is why I am pouring it out here and now.
The truth is that I just don't feel like we have a vision for our lives right now. The dreams that I have used to seem so doable and slowly, I am being persuaded (by the enemy no doubt) that my dreams will die unfulfilled. I know in my heart of hearts that Eric and I have gifts that are not being used. Some that haven't been used for a long long time and perhaps some that have never even been tapped in to. I know they are there. I know that when we got married, we were joining forces to be stronger together than we ever could have been alone. We have never realized that strength.
My dream is to have a long term vision that is BIG! A vision that is inspired and led by God.
For example, when I think about where I have grown the most in my spiritual life, I instantly think of the Bible studies that I have participated in, in particular those written by Beth Moore. The thought process goes like this: I love to write and have vowed to myself that I won't die before I've done something with it. Eric has an incredible gift of insight and knowledge of the Bible. Together, we have always felt that your run-of-the-mill "Bible Study" that is written leaves something to be desired. Why can't we join our gifts and write Bible Studies? Bible studies that will change lives. Ones that will help people understand Truth for Truth. One's that dig into the Word and cause peole to invest in the Word. I just feel like we need something that we can invest our time in and I believe that we could actually do this.
Okay, before everyone yells at me for that statement, let me make it clear that our 3 little blessings (Andrew, Anna and Alissa) are most definitely our most important investment. We view them as our absolute priority especially when it comes to the mission field. We beleive that if we are helping lead others into a deeper relationship with Christ, but have failed to lead our children there first, then we have failed. They come first.
With that being said, I still believe that there is much left for us to do. I believe that there is something great for us to do for the Kingdom and delaying is hurting us more and more every day. Before we were married, neither of us was a mediocre Christian. Yet, somehow after we married, we went from fire hot for the Kingdom to lukewarm... almost cool. How does this happen?
One recent conversation revealed that we both feel a deep longing and a huge void that used to be full. Thank God that he leaves us feeling empty when we are not filled with Him. The conversation also revealed that there is some fear of what God will actually do once we commit to filling that void again. Will he stretch us so thin that we can barely manage (which has happened before, though I don't believe it was fully God who caused us to feel that way, indeed our flesh is still contending in that arena)?
I guess the bottom line question is this: Are we willing to take the risk of feeling stretched and uncomfortable, all the while receiving showers of blessings from the One we serve, or is it safer to stay in this life of mediocrity feeling comfortable in the world, but uncomfortable nonetheless because of the Holy Spirit's continual conviction of our hearts that there is a hotter life to be led than this?
Thursday, March 29, 2007
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For
Wow, God is really taking us on an interesting journey through mountains and valleys and then some more valleys. I anticipate mountains up ahead anytime!
Through this journey, I'm learning that it doesn't really have an end. The end, in and of itself, is Heaven. Eternity! I can honestly say that I've never longed so much for that glorious place in the sky as I have on this most recent stretch of the journey. I find it worth my time and consider it to be cathartic to think back and recall the different legs of this journey that is CHURCH!
I've never found my childhood church experience to be all that interesting or significant when it comes to my adult church experience. By that I certainly mean no disrespect because come on, let's face it, in the big picture of things, my childhood church experience was the most significant as this is when I received salvation and began my eternity. What I mean by the statement is that I count it a blessing that my church experience as a child was fairly ordinary overall.
At this point in my life however, I begin to see it a little differently. My ordinary childhood in church left me convicted enough as a young adult that I knew the choices that I had to make when I was in college. Okay, okay, take one step back. College for me was interesting because as a result of my "ordinary" church experience, I was influenced by many counselors at the church camp that I attended every year for 10+ years. My first year out of high school, I attended a Bible College. The first example of indeed, an extraordinary childhood church experience. Had I never attended church camp year after year and experienced those first mountain tops with God the Father, I am quite certain that life would have landed me right in my little home town attending Purdue University fresh out of high school. Which is where I was mearly 2 semesters later.
In retrospect, Bible College was terrific. I had some of the deepest spiritual growth and some of the best foundational teaching on the Bible that I have ever had to date. Also, my friendships were blessed and challenged on all levels. But most of all, I would say that my rebellious flesh was starved. A good thing indeed! It's difficult to say what the strongest influencing factor was in my decision to return to Purdue. From a spiritual perspective, it's acurate to say that I had a sinful urge to "spread my wings" so to speak. Overextended my wings was more like it! From an academic perspective it's acurate to say that I lacked the passion to be in full time ministry and so being at a liberal arts university made more sense for me. Emotionally, I dearly missed my family and friends. While I can easily look back and say there are many reasons that staying amoung my Bible College friends would have benefitted me, it's difficult to say that I wish I would have made any other decision than the one I made though. No regrets... I guess!
Once at Purdue, I was living with my two best friends from high school plus another girl who quickly became a good friend. We were quite diverse I might add. 2 Asians, a
hispanic, and me-- Causasian through and through. Each one of us individually had a strong personal relationship with Jesus Christ. An ideal situation for us living on a secular college campus... One would think! For whatever reason, Satan got the best of each of us during our time together. Indeed, we each made our share of poor choices. Talk about a testiment to God's provision and protection for each of us!!!
At the end of it all, the Holy Spirit that lives in each of us won the battles that we fought individually. Thank God! The following year, three of the four of us moved to different apartment off campus and began making better choices. At this time, I returned to my childhood church and began meeting a need that the youth ministry had. I served as the Jr. High youth leader. This was a great experience and I enjoyed building into these young lives, but my heart was never truly passionate about this type of ministry. Plus, I was not being built into nor was I doing ministry with any of my peers. I can vivdly recall coming home to our apartment one day and hearing a message on our phone for my roommate that was from her small group leader. She was being built into at campus church where she participated in a small group of all women our age led by someone that I had a lot of respect for. I remember feeling that longing for something like that.
Soon after, I made the decision to turn over the Jr High group to a couple who had children that were still a large part of that church and I began attending Grace Campus church with my best friend/ roommate. A sigh of relief to say the least! At last, I felt like I was where I belonged for that stage in my life. I jumped in feet first at Grace. As soon as I could I auditioned for the worship team and made it. I made friends very quickly with people, men and women alike, who were the type of quality people that everyone wants in their life. I attended every church function that there was... and there was plenty. Too much maybe in retrospect. My life was filled with school and church.
Grace campus church facilitated the type of friendships and relationships with people that I believe every Christian should have. These people were honest to the core and genuine in their faith. These were friends that challenged and grew my faith by leaps and bounds. Here, I experienced worship in its truest sense. A real life connection with God the Father and a true expression of the Spirit's manifestation in my life and the lives of those around me. It was phenomenal to say the least. This is what church is! Finally!
Of course, the most important person entered my life during my time at Grace. The man of my dreams, the man who would become my beloved husband. Could it have been any sweeter? This is the man who was integral in teaching me about genuine faith and teaching me Bible truth! And then he became my husband! God is so good!
We have been able to look back and see the flaws that this church had. Indeed it goes without saying that there is no perfect church on this earth. We witnessed and experienced much legalism at Grace Campus Church. We also experienced overcommitment. Eric was a decon and involved in nearly every meeting that took place as well as being the worship leader, taking every detail of the worship team and preparation on himself. As for myself, I was commited to the worship team and to my small group as well as every other function that occurred. So, between the two of us, we were very busy with church.
As a step to extend our gifts and our ministry to our friends at work and school, we made a decision to leave the campus church and begin serving at a community church. We felt that this would open up more opportunities for us to invite our friends that weren't students to church increasing the liklihood of their comfort. This was important to us as a newly married couple. Our leaving was met with much resistance and nearly no blessing, sending or acceptance. Through this process we were hurt to the core and burned pretty badly. At the end of our time at Grace Campus Church, we experienced other hurts that came as a result of our beloved and well invested ministries. This, added to our difficult departure, left us with what felt like a lifetime of pain.
Following God's lead, we began attending Riverside Covenant Church. This was a newly formed church birthed out of one of the larger churches in town. Once again, we molded right in to this ministry as a whole. Those who knew of us by way of friends of friends attracted our attention almost immediately toward the worship team. As a developing church there were many opportunities to serve. Our passion developed quickly for the small groups ministry and together, Eric and I had the opportunity to lead a small group of young married couples. We felt that God laid before us the opportunity to invest in these people and share life with them. Our goal was to open the doors to real community and genuine faith as we had experienced it before. We only scratched the surface before we felt God moving us to a new state so that Eric could persue a job change.
This was tough. I had never moved away from home unless you count my year of Bible College. This was a permanent change for us. Thank goodness it was only a state away in Illinois. There were things both thrilling and totally scarey about moving to the Chicago suburbs. It was thrilling to think of starting anew. Everything fresh. Not only were our lives changing by way of location and occuapation, we were about 5 months away from welcoming our second child into our family. Our lives were really changing for sure.
Before coming to Illinois we did quite a bit of research in an attempt to find churches to visit. There's no long explanation to say that the first one we visited became our church home for the next two years. Community Chrisian Church is a church that is on the verge of becoming a mega church. A very cutting edge type of environment with your coffee shop lobby to draw in the seekers as well as a large stage in a very unconventional sancutary. Cutting edge music designed for seekers mainly and messages that addressed current issues and events. This was a place that absolutely met our needs for a time. We got plugged into a small group that consisted of young marrieds again. Of course as we are accustomed, we began serving. Though it's worth mentioning that our hearts were still so badly hurting from our previous church experience that serving was not exactly a high priority. Not to mention that we had a toddler and soon an infant. We were more inclined to actually be pew sitters (or chair sitters) for this time. But serve we did! I again on the worship team and Eric using his blessed teaching and insight gift as a small group apprentice.
It's difficult to put into words the turn of events that caused us to leave that environment. Suffice it to say that we were growing hungier and hungier for something a little more genuine and challenging. We felt that we were lacking the discipling that we once had and we were HUNGRY for more!
I find it so difficult because this was a place that for many has it all. I know that's true. Their strengths are many and indeed probably outnumber their weaknesses, but the areas that were weak for us were vitally a part of Spiritual growth causing us to go to God again and again with what he wanted for us. Again, our leaving was met with lukewarm sentiment from those in our group and for as much as we know, went unnoticed by the Pastor who we never actually knew (another difficult aspect for us). While we weren't left with as much hurt this time, we also hadn't invested as much this time. I would call the feeling bittersweet as we left CCC.
We had already begun our search for a new church by this time and had attended a small church plant called Life Connections a couple of times. This was a place that obviously had the right heart and was hungry for growth. The Pastor was speaking pure Bible truth without watering down any aspect of it. It was refreshing. We liked the environment but were unsure if our hearts were ready to jump into the church plant situation again. We weren't sure if we were actually looking for something more established. This was a qustion mark for us.
We attended one other church that was truly solid, but lacked with it's childcare. Obviously, this is a major deciding factor for us as we have 3 children ages 1,2,and 3.
It's so easy to get jaded on a search for the right church home. And jaded I am. I have found it easy to just believe that the place for us isn't out there. But one of the foundational truths that we believe is in the local church. God didn't give us our gifts to lay dormant and unused. It is vital to us that our children grow up going to church. We long to be challenged in our faith and built into. We are not looking for a place that allows us to just be comfortable Christians. We don't grow that way! We are hungry for community that has "it"! I find myself asking the question, "Does that place exist?" It seems like once you've experienced "it", anything less feels like your settling. And it does! We are not willing to settle. I believe that when scripture says that Christ came to give life and to give it abundantly, that this type of genuine, committed community is part of that abundant life.
Through this journey, I'm learning that it doesn't really have an end. The end, in and of itself, is Heaven. Eternity! I can honestly say that I've never longed so much for that glorious place in the sky as I have on this most recent stretch of the journey. I find it worth my time and consider it to be cathartic to think back and recall the different legs of this journey that is CHURCH!
I've never found my childhood church experience to be all that interesting or significant when it comes to my adult church experience. By that I certainly mean no disrespect because come on, let's face it, in the big picture of things, my childhood church experience was the most significant as this is when I received salvation and began my eternity. What I mean by the statement is that I count it a blessing that my church experience as a child was fairly ordinary overall.
At this point in my life however, I begin to see it a little differently. My ordinary childhood in church left me convicted enough as a young adult that I knew the choices that I had to make when I was in college. Okay, okay, take one step back. College for me was interesting because as a result of my "ordinary" church experience, I was influenced by many counselors at the church camp that I attended every year for 10+ years. My first year out of high school, I attended a Bible College. The first example of indeed, an extraordinary childhood church experience. Had I never attended church camp year after year and experienced those first mountain tops with God the Father, I am quite certain that life would have landed me right in my little home town attending Purdue University fresh out of high school. Which is where I was mearly 2 semesters later.
In retrospect, Bible College was terrific. I had some of the deepest spiritual growth and some of the best foundational teaching on the Bible that I have ever had to date. Also, my friendships were blessed and challenged on all levels. But most of all, I would say that my rebellious flesh was starved. A good thing indeed! It's difficult to say what the strongest influencing factor was in my decision to return to Purdue. From a spiritual perspective, it's acurate to say that I had a sinful urge to "spread my wings" so to speak. Overextended my wings was more like it! From an academic perspective it's acurate to say that I lacked the passion to be in full time ministry and so being at a liberal arts university made more sense for me. Emotionally, I dearly missed my family and friends. While I can easily look back and say there are many reasons that staying amoung my Bible College friends would have benefitted me, it's difficult to say that I wish I would have made any other decision than the one I made though. No regrets... I guess!
Once at Purdue, I was living with my two best friends from high school plus another girl who quickly became a good friend. We were quite diverse I might add. 2 Asians, a
hispanic, and me-- Causasian through and through. Each one of us individually had a strong personal relationship with Jesus Christ. An ideal situation for us living on a secular college campus... One would think! For whatever reason, Satan got the best of each of us during our time together. Indeed, we each made our share of poor choices. Talk about a testiment to God's provision and protection for each of us!!!
At the end of it all, the Holy Spirit that lives in each of us won the battles that we fought individually. Thank God! The following year, three of the four of us moved to different apartment off campus and began making better choices. At this time, I returned to my childhood church and began meeting a need that the youth ministry had. I served as the Jr. High youth leader. This was a great experience and I enjoyed building into these young lives, but my heart was never truly passionate about this type of ministry. Plus, I was not being built into nor was I doing ministry with any of my peers. I can vivdly recall coming home to our apartment one day and hearing a message on our phone for my roommate that was from her small group leader. She was being built into at campus church where she participated in a small group of all women our age led by someone that I had a lot of respect for. I remember feeling that longing for something like that.
Soon after, I made the decision to turn over the Jr High group to a couple who had children that were still a large part of that church and I began attending Grace Campus church with my best friend/ roommate. A sigh of relief to say the least! At last, I felt like I was where I belonged for that stage in my life. I jumped in feet first at Grace. As soon as I could I auditioned for the worship team and made it. I made friends very quickly with people, men and women alike, who were the type of quality people that everyone wants in their life. I attended every church function that there was... and there was plenty. Too much maybe in retrospect. My life was filled with school and church.
Grace campus church facilitated the type of friendships and relationships with people that I believe every Christian should have. These people were honest to the core and genuine in their faith. These were friends that challenged and grew my faith by leaps and bounds. Here, I experienced worship in its truest sense. A real life connection with God the Father and a true expression of the Spirit's manifestation in my life and the lives of those around me. It was phenomenal to say the least. This is what church is! Finally!
Of course, the most important person entered my life during my time at Grace. The man of my dreams, the man who would become my beloved husband. Could it have been any sweeter? This is the man who was integral in teaching me about genuine faith and teaching me Bible truth! And then he became my husband! God is so good!
We have been able to look back and see the flaws that this church had. Indeed it goes without saying that there is no perfect church on this earth. We witnessed and experienced much legalism at Grace Campus Church. We also experienced overcommitment. Eric was a decon and involved in nearly every meeting that took place as well as being the worship leader, taking every detail of the worship team and preparation on himself. As for myself, I was commited to the worship team and to my small group as well as every other function that occurred. So, between the two of us, we were very busy with church.
As a step to extend our gifts and our ministry to our friends at work and school, we made a decision to leave the campus church and begin serving at a community church. We felt that this would open up more opportunities for us to invite our friends that weren't students to church increasing the liklihood of their comfort. This was important to us as a newly married couple. Our leaving was met with much resistance and nearly no blessing, sending or acceptance. Through this process we were hurt to the core and burned pretty badly. At the end of our time at Grace Campus Church, we experienced other hurts that came as a result of our beloved and well invested ministries. This, added to our difficult departure, left us with what felt like a lifetime of pain.
Following God's lead, we began attending Riverside Covenant Church. This was a newly formed church birthed out of one of the larger churches in town. Once again, we molded right in to this ministry as a whole. Those who knew of us by way of friends of friends attracted our attention almost immediately toward the worship team. As a developing church there were many opportunities to serve. Our passion developed quickly for the small groups ministry and together, Eric and I had the opportunity to lead a small group of young married couples. We felt that God laid before us the opportunity to invest in these people and share life with them. Our goal was to open the doors to real community and genuine faith as we had experienced it before. We only scratched the surface before we felt God moving us to a new state so that Eric could persue a job change.
This was tough. I had never moved away from home unless you count my year of Bible College. This was a permanent change for us. Thank goodness it was only a state away in Illinois. There were things both thrilling and totally scarey about moving to the Chicago suburbs. It was thrilling to think of starting anew. Everything fresh. Not only were our lives changing by way of location and occuapation, we were about 5 months away from welcoming our second child into our family. Our lives were really changing for sure.
Before coming to Illinois we did quite a bit of research in an attempt to find churches to visit. There's no long explanation to say that the first one we visited became our church home for the next two years. Community Chrisian Church is a church that is on the verge of becoming a mega church. A very cutting edge type of environment with your coffee shop lobby to draw in the seekers as well as a large stage in a very unconventional sancutary. Cutting edge music designed for seekers mainly and messages that addressed current issues and events. This was a place that absolutely met our needs for a time. We got plugged into a small group that consisted of young marrieds again. Of course as we are accustomed, we began serving. Though it's worth mentioning that our hearts were still so badly hurting from our previous church experience that serving was not exactly a high priority. Not to mention that we had a toddler and soon an infant. We were more inclined to actually be pew sitters (or chair sitters) for this time. But serve we did! I again on the worship team and Eric using his blessed teaching and insight gift as a small group apprentice.
It's difficult to put into words the turn of events that caused us to leave that environment. Suffice it to say that we were growing hungier and hungier for something a little more genuine and challenging. We felt that we were lacking the discipling that we once had and we were HUNGRY for more!
I find it so difficult because this was a place that for many has it all. I know that's true. Their strengths are many and indeed probably outnumber their weaknesses, but the areas that were weak for us were vitally a part of Spiritual growth causing us to go to God again and again with what he wanted for us. Again, our leaving was met with lukewarm sentiment from those in our group and for as much as we know, went unnoticed by the Pastor who we never actually knew (another difficult aspect for us). While we weren't left with as much hurt this time, we also hadn't invested as much this time. I would call the feeling bittersweet as we left CCC.
We had already begun our search for a new church by this time and had attended a small church plant called Life Connections a couple of times. This was a place that obviously had the right heart and was hungry for growth. The Pastor was speaking pure Bible truth without watering down any aspect of it. It was refreshing. We liked the environment but were unsure if our hearts were ready to jump into the church plant situation again. We weren't sure if we were actually looking for something more established. This was a qustion mark for us.
We attended one other church that was truly solid, but lacked with it's childcare. Obviously, this is a major deciding factor for us as we have 3 children ages 1,2,and 3.
It's so easy to get jaded on a search for the right church home. And jaded I am. I have found it easy to just believe that the place for us isn't out there. But one of the foundational truths that we believe is in the local church. God didn't give us our gifts to lay dormant and unused. It is vital to us that our children grow up going to church. We long to be challenged in our faith and built into. We are not looking for a place that allows us to just be comfortable Christians. We don't grow that way! We are hungry for community that has "it"! I find myself asking the question, "Does that place exist?" It seems like once you've experienced "it", anything less feels like your settling. And it does! We are not willing to settle. I believe that when scripture says that Christ came to give life and to give it abundantly, that this type of genuine, committed community is part of that abundant life.
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