Set Me On Fire!

We're going on nearly 4 months now of not having a church that we can call our home. Not only that, we have just been so far below par spiritually that I am feeling a void like I've never felt before. It almost feels insurmountable. How will this void ever be filled. I am so empty that even the slightest bit of the Spirit moves me. I mean really rocks me. For example, last night we bought our new cell phones and here I am today listening to ringtones--a Jeremy Camp song and a Michael W Smith song just made me feel like getting on my knees. So, perhaps this reaction indicates that my heart is ripe. Ready for the harvest if you will. Please, Lord, harvest me! I am just desperate for some spiritual food. I just want to plop down and roll around in the Word. That's my visual for having a nice, long, deep date with the Lord. But, what I know is that the same thing that is happening to me right now will happen to me as soon as I embark on that activity... my children will choose to stand at my side and whine or demand my attention in some other way. As I type, my blessed Anna is standing here crying, "Mommy hold you." Which means, "Mommy hold me."

For as much as this scenario is reality for me each and every day, I can't use that as my excuse for letting my relationship with God the Father fall by the wayside. The problem is that I have no accountability with anyone right now, spiritual or otherwise really. Not even Eric and I are truly holding one another accountable. It seems logical that when all else fails, we should at least have each other for spiritual accountability. But we don't!

It never ceases to amaze me how one event or situation is actually so telling about deeper goings on. Here's ours... for what seems like a couple years now, there has rare been a night that we haven't gone to bed without a couple episodes of Friends on. It's totally my thing. It's very mindless to me and at the end of the day, if there is nothing to distract me from myself, I can lay awake for hours thinking about all the things from the day and all the things to come. The more I think, the more awake I become. So, on the surface, having my shows on is mearly a way to distract my brain. And it works. Every night, I fall asleep before the first episode is over.

There's more to it below the surface though. Eric brought to my attention the possibility that this ritual is covering up some important relationship stuff between us. Should we be spending that time discussing the day or talking about important things? I'm not talking about sex!

So, I woke up this morning feeling oh so tender from the event last night. I really was wondering, "what is this really about?" And one thought led to another and before I realized, the Spirit had convicted my heart which is why I am pouring it out here and now.

The truth is that I just don't feel like we have a vision for our lives right now. The dreams that I have used to seem so doable and slowly, I am being persuaded (by the enemy no doubt) that my dreams will die unfulfilled. I know in my heart of hearts that Eric and I have gifts that are not being used. Some that haven't been used for a long long time and perhaps some that have never even been tapped in to. I know they are there. I know that when we got married, we were joining forces to be stronger together than we ever could have been alone. We have never realized that strength.

My dream is to have a long term vision that is BIG! A vision that is inspired and led by God.

For example, when I think about where I have grown the most in my spiritual life, I instantly think of the Bible studies that I have participated in, in particular those written by Beth Moore. The thought process goes like this: I love to write and have vowed to myself that I won't die before I've done something with it. Eric has an incredible gift of insight and knowledge of the Bible. Together, we have always felt that your run-of-the-mill "Bible Study" that is written leaves something to be desired. Why can't we join our gifts and write Bible Studies? Bible studies that will change lives. Ones that will help people understand Truth for Truth. One's that dig into the Word and cause peole to invest in the Word. I just feel like we need something that we can invest our time in and I believe that we could actually do this.

Okay, before everyone yells at me for that statement, let me make it clear that our 3 little blessings (Andrew, Anna and Alissa) are most definitely our most important investment. We view them as our absolute priority especially when it comes to the mission field. We beleive that if we are helping lead others into a deeper relationship with Christ, but have failed to lead our children there first, then we have failed. They come first.

With that being said, I still believe that there is much left for us to do. I believe that there is something great for us to do for the Kingdom and delaying is hurting us more and more every day. Before we were married, neither of us was a mediocre Christian. Yet, somehow after we married, we went from fire hot for the Kingdom to lukewarm... almost cool. How does this happen?

One recent conversation revealed that we both feel a deep longing and a huge void that used to be full. Thank God that he leaves us feeling empty when we are not filled with Him. The conversation also revealed that there is some fear of what God will actually do once we commit to filling that void again. Will he stretch us so thin that we can barely manage (which has happened before, though I don't believe it was fully God who caused us to feel that way, indeed our flesh is still contending in that arena)?

I guess the bottom line question is this: Are we willing to take the risk of feeling stretched and uncomfortable, all the while receiving showers of blessings from the One we serve, or is it safer to stay in this life of mediocrity feeling comfortable in the world, but uncomfortable nonetheless because of the Holy Spirit's continual conviction of our hearts that there is a hotter life to be led than this?